SKY STREAKS! ~ All is fair in Love and War

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Re: SKY STREAKS! ~ All is fair in Love and War

Postby [][][][] » Mon Jul 23, 2012 1:01 pm

ShadowSpectre wrote:
Armored Entity wrote:What is disturbing about the Title? I see nothing wrong with it.

exactly

Completely unrelated subtitle, potential misinterpretation... :what:
There was once something here,

but it's now gone.

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Re: SKY STREAKS! ~ All is fair in Love and War

Postby AlexMdle » Mon Jul 23, 2012 6:20 pm

I love the exclamation mark.

This is not Sky streaks. This is SKY STREAKS!
Now under new management.

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Re: SKY STREAKS! ~ All is fair in Love and War

Postby [][][][] » Tue Jul 24, 2012 12:41 pm

Such as is in informal novels...
Though I might just be presenting some facts here. Nothing personal.
Aside from that, the events seem to be somewhat unrealistic, at least from the eye of someone who absolutely hates incompetent tactics and genre blindness.
However, if I'm going by logic here, this could end very cynically in a flash.
There was once something here,

but it's now gone.

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Re: SKY STREAKS! ~ All is fair in Love and War

Postby dracmeister » Wed Jul 25, 2012 7:01 pm

Derr... I know right... There's lots a things posted about this not being in a real story type format. Duh-huh.


_________________________________
Episode 2a - The Parcel
August 30, 2024

The Cutezome Army Manages to clear out a tight cylindrical Airspace towards the abandoned Spaceport "Eclipse". When they can get the station operational, they can use it as a forward base to eliminate any incoming to atmosphere threats. The Spaceport is armed with a Positron Cannon that when the military can get it back to operation, can attack desired concentrations from space.

~Somewhere before the Exosphere...

Gane: Okay, Baker! I've got them wrangled up for you!
Baker: Firing Ripple Beam!

The beam hits the grouped enemies.

Gane: Nice shot.
Baker: Anytime, pal.
Gane: Now lets bug out. And report to the Strikefire.


Superior Aircraft Carrier "Strikefire"

At Shinedrop's quarters...

Precious: Mind if I leave the kids here in your quarters?
Shinedrop: Kids? I thought you were single-
Precious: They're not my kids, silly. Their parents asked me to smuggle them across the universe to continue their education somewhere else, because ya' know the war around here.
Shinedrop: That is, where?
Precious: Well, the nearest civilized planet is Earth. So, yeah.
Shinedrop: I've heard they're waging a third world war there...
Precious: I've been to Earth quite a lot more than you did, we can handle it.
Shinedrop: Fine. Mistress General... err... Nurse... Whatever.

Precious leaves the smuggled children with Shinedrop.

Precious: Now be very good to your bigger sister, kids, stay here while I reserve you a transport ship.

...

Precious left two children, a boy and a girl. The girl looks like she's matured quite well and lived to be this vibrant but shy soul. The boy looks like he's been traumatized by his past, though at present seems precocious and innocent. They don't look like they're siblings, they seem to belong to different families.

Shinedrop: So uh... What are your names?
Girl: Uhm... *twiddle*

The boy looks at the girl and just stares at Shinedrop looking confused.

Shinedrop: Shy, eh? Huh... I don't know... But when I look at you two I feel a certain "connection" between you two... And I don't mean like you're cousins or relatives, I don't know that. But I doubt you are.
Girl: Well... We aren't related. Is there something wrong with that?
Shinedrop: No, I'm not saying that. It just feels you two aren't supposed to be separate, it just feels like it.
Boy[to the Girl]: I don't like her tone.
Shinedrop: Oh so you DO talk.
Boy: Well, I'm kinda reclusive for some reason.
Shinedrop: Hmmm...--

The Green Beast and the Illicit Burner have landed on the Strikefire... Gane rushes to the announcer and requests a debriefing with Shinedrop.

Shinedrop: Oh crap. What now. Stay here.

Gane, Baker and Shinedrop meet at the hangar for the debriefing.

Gane: Alright we've cleared an Airspace directly to the Spaceport. It may serve as an integral part of our coming of victory. The Attack Coordinator printed out new protocols to observe while we send out troops and engineers to the abandoned Spaceport.
Gane: Baker! Can you tell the Whereabouts of Munroe?
Baker: Last, I've heard he was closing down his original record shop and leaving with all his life's work, sir. That's at least, before I was taking off alone back at Aircraft Carrier "Strongman".
Baker: He did though sent me a letter before leaving, saying: "Don't party without inviting me, groovy-pal. PS, once I've hidden my work from harm I will soon join you there, dancing around the skies."
Shinedrop: Sir! When will be the deploy time, sir!
Gane: Glad you asked. Shinee~. We deploy at dawn tomorrow. Its just about the time the Transports leave.

Gane: Now, dismissed! Shinee, help Baker unpack his things from one the early transports that came in this late morning.

Shinedrop and Baker go to another part of the hangar where transports are assigned to land.

Shinedrop: So. Mundoe is hiding all his music records until its safe?
Baker: Yes. He told me that those were really precious things to him.
Baker: I keep telling him, why not broadcast these, like worldwide.
Baker: And he keeps insisting using Vinyl Records, not Compact Disks.
Shinedrop: Well, you gotta hand it to Mundoe, the guy's a conservative in his own work.
Shinedrop[points at transports]: So uhh... This one?
Baker: Yeah. 012407262012-n1.

So they went and carried Baker's luggage.

...Late Afternoon hits...

After Shinedrop helped Baker settle in, she went back to her quarters to tend to the children. Once she opened her cabin door, she saw The girl laid down suggestively near the boy hugging him. They're asleep. Shinedrop didn't want to wake them up, she saw plates on the table suggesting that Precious made had came to the room and gave the kids some food. The busy afternoon made Shinedrop exhausted and she slept on her chair.

...Early Evening...

Shinedrop wakes up after a nap. She wakes up seeing the two children up as well, looking at her with awkwardness.

Shinedrop: Don't worry. You two are cute together.

Precious comes in.

Precious: Hey, who wants dinner? They're having a special at the mess hall now, quick.

... Dawn...

Precious debriefs the children riding the transport. Shinedrop sneakily went to their ship and eavesdropped.

Precious: Now don't just hang out with anybody. Because I'm held responsible for a lot of this.
Boy: CeePee, is this another field trip to Earth.
Precious: Well, a long one, my success story, you'll be there learning about Earth people's behavior. Same goes for you, sweet girl.
Girl: Is it really necessary?
Precious[to the girl]: Your dad wanted me to give this letter to you.
Precious: And I promised both of your parents that, I'll take you to the best school I can find that is not of this planet.

Precious(looks towards door): I know you're there, Shinee. You can stop hiding now, I saw you the moment you sneaked in.
Precious(goes towards the door): Anyway, they grow up so fast. But there's no time for talk because we're about to move out.

Shinedrop(soliloquy): I never really got to know their names...

... Deploy Hour...

Transports and Fighters Poured out of the Strikefire.

Gane: We've gotta make a circular parameter as the transports gain altitude.
Baker and Shinedrop: Roger.
Baker: I've seen Interceptors pass by. Prepare to open fire.
Shinedrop: There. *minigun*
Gane: Here. *minigun*

...A few minutes...

Gane: Okay, we're not done here. But it ain't that long anymore...
Destroy any enemy unit that comes near our atmosphere.
Baker: Ripple Beam! *ripple beam*
Shinedrop: Watch Out! *explosive missiles*

...Transports made contact with the space station...

Gane: Okay, give the engies time to work for the Spaceport's guns to be activated. Change the Perimeter Protocol to Air-to-Ground Patrol, in this case, Space-to-Atmoshphere Patrol. Go!
Baker: They've baited me, I'm taking small-arms damage.
Shinedrop: Die! *ballistic rounds*

Eventually. The Spaceport was liberated.
As Shinedrop sees the lights turn on from the windows, she notices the launch port was already used.

Shinedrop(soliloquy): They've must've been in a hurry...
Gane: Okay Crew. Let's settle in this forward base, and head back to the Strikefire by Noon.
BEARS!!! BEARS!!!

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Re: SKY STREAKS! ~ All is fair in Love and War

Postby ShadowSpectre » Wed Jul 25, 2012 8:03 pm

Storyception wrote:~Somewhere before the Exosphere...

Before the exosphere? Learn how to use prepositions.

Storyception wrote:Superior Aircraft Carrier

Really? I reject.

Storyception wrote:Baker: Yeah. 012407262012-n1.

That's not a vehicle number, that's a telephone number. Be more realistic when talking about the military.

Otherwise, I'm going to be honest, this was disappointing. It's shallow, undeveloped, you have expository information (the "connection") and it reads like you're in elementary. You're missing out the bulk of what's actually going on and not really giving it too much flavour in terms of how the story progresses. This is substandard work.
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