UFF

Armored Entity wrote:In my dream that I got the idea for this fan-manga, Rika was actually "Me," I changed her name for various reasons.

... what, like how you aren't a girl? Also I thought you said these descriptions were long. This is appalling. Why haven't you described her personality, or even her appearance? No appearance, I'm fine with, there are some novels that go 600 pages without describing characters' hairs on their chinny chin chins and they're bloody good reads, but no personality? Are you serious? I'd expect a personality description from a seven year old.

In addition, don't want to put you down, but please tell me you didn't just base this on a dream whose sense and sensibility is likely to be shitty.

Armored Entity wrote:The second girl is named Jo Ayara, and she happens to be the most interesting character in this fan-series.

Let us decide that.

Armored Entity wrote:Jo is a young girl with short brown hair. She tends to stay in her "powered up" form all the time. In her "powered up" form, she wears a light-gray Maid Outfit, and black shoes with sharp points on the end used for delivering kicks that impale. She has two Maho Shoujo weapons. Her first one is a Metal Magician's Staff with a silver orb on one end, and a sharp blade shaped like a giant Needle on the other end. Her second ones are these smaller Needles, which she spawns to her hand and throws like daggers. Her Soul Gem, while in its "portable form," attaches onto her back, on the area right below her neck.

I'm assuming this is all given from the series you're basing your fan thing. To anybody else, a lot of this is babble; it's a reason I dislike fanfics, they're like elaborate in-jokes. Very exclusive, not very nice to people. Why is needle capitalised? and a soul gem in its "portable form"? What, does it have a "not-portable form"? Is it actually fourteen tonnes of crystal? Does it undergo an Allspark transformation as in Michael Bay's Transformers into a handy, lunchbox and kid-friendly device?

Armored Entity wrote:Jo's unique special ability is a myriad of Elemental Attacks. Its her special power, like Homura's Time Control and Mami's yellow ribbons are.

... eh? Who are Homura and Mami? Are these people from the anime/manga? Also, *it's.

Armored Entity wrote:Jo has a number of things that makes her very different from the other Shoujos. The first thing is that she is actually happy that she made a Contract. All the other Shoujos think of the Contract as a curse, but Jo finds it to be a gift.

Why is the Contract thought to be a curse? What are the drawbacks?

Armored Entity wrote:She is happy about it because making the contract gave her amazing special powers, and now she cannot be killed by conventional means (only destroying her Soul Gem will kill her now).

ATTACK WEAK POINT FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE

Armored Entity wrote:Plus she loves the thrill and adventure and excitement involved when she has to go into the various Witch Barriers and face off against the various Evil Witches herself, it's so exciting to her.

Yaaaay life-threatening situations yaaaay.

Armored Entity wrote:Finally, she thinks that Kyubey's motives to essentially preserve usable emotional energy is a just cause, and she wishes to help him with that.

"Preserve usable emotional energy"? To do what with it? That's not a cut, that's a genuine question. That sounds at once like a honey trap and an interesting concept.

Armored Entity wrote:Not only that, but she also has a bunch of friends now, of the other Maho Shoujo's, and she likes that. This playful, and optimistic nature of her is what kept her as a Maho Shoujo for so long. Unfortunately though, it doesn't last forever, and soon she does fall into despair.

Why?

Armored Entity wrote:Jo almost acts like a Zealot to Kyubey's cause. She claims that making a contract isn't as bad as it seems, after all ,you even get a free wish, alongside these special powers and everything.

That's a pretty big thing, a wish. No limits on it? Asides from "more wishes", I'm guessing. I smell plot holes developing.

Armored Entity wrote:The advantage to this Bracket thing is that Jo can make herself split apart, and have all her severed limbs move individually, and then she can pull herself together whenever she desires.

WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHARG
WHAGFYGD
EAGHJHDBADA

Armored Entity wrote:Normally a Maho Shoujo would have to cut themselves with their weapons every time they'd want to do this. Thanks to Jo's custom Brackets though, she can just make them pop off and on whenever... when she's among friends who know her, or by herself, she much rather perfers her limbs not being attached.

That... no. I say no. That's creepy. For something that's as lackadaisical as this fanfic, I don't accept sudden and macabre things like casual and voluntary dismemberment. Plus, how exactly do the other limbs control themselves once they're detached? Magic, I assume? How do they have a constant blood supply while detached from the heart? Magic, I assume. These two are just normal holes in magic, I accept that in this universe, it's a valid explanation, but my major concern is how your body parts would know where the rest of it was. There are three input senses from your own body: auditory input, visual input and proprioperception. Auditory is mostly pointless. Unless you make sounds with bits of body, you can't really tell where things are. Visual input allows you to understand where bits of body are by seeing them. Proprioperception is knowing where your bits of body are innately. That's the one that's most important. There are neurological diseases where you lose that and you have zero innate control over your body. How do you intend to make that work when your body bits are like fifty metres away? That's opening yourself up to problems. You can't see most of it, you can't hear most of it, I'll accept "can pull self back together", but knowing where they are without seeing them? That's some weird spidey sense that I'm not sure I'm accepting.

Armored Entity wrote:Also the Brackets on her arms and legs are labeled "Left" and "Right." This is so that when Jo is putting herself back together, she knows which is which and doesn't accidentally put them on backwards.

... surprisingly ergonomic and thoughtful. I approve.

Armored Entity wrote:There are a number of advantages to Jo's special skill to fall to pieces at will. One advantage is quickly dodging through detachment. Like say a projectile is headed for her face. Then she can just remove her head, let the projectile pass by harmlessly, and then stick it back on.

There is not a single way in hell that that could be done fast enough in a way that couldn't be done by actually moving. Reject.

Armored Entity wrote:Another use is that it allows her to be in multiple places at a time, well at least some of her. She has a battle tactic for this called "Divide and Conquer" where she removes her limbs and let them fire her weapons at the enemy from another location, while the rest of her runs around somewhere else, serving as a distraction. She also uses it in battle by pulling off her head, charging it up with elemental energy, then throwing it at her enemy like a cannonball, causing it to do severe elemental damage to the foe.

See above about proprioperception.

Armored Entity wrote:Glacia's nature is of Illusory Superiority.

I'm pretty sure there's a name for that which doesn't sound pompous. Superiority complex?

Armored Entity wrote:Her Witch Barrier is like a massive cold Ice Palace.

Tautology?

Armored Entity wrote:A unique feature about her minions is that they cannot move while in a direct line of sight. If you have them in your view, they remain completely motionless, like statues. However, if you look away, or even blink, they start moving, and really fast too. Thier behavior is similar to that of the Weeping Angel Statues from Dr. Who, or SCP-173 from the SCP Foundation series, or Endermen from Minecraft, or those Round Ghost-like Monsters from Mario, if you are familiar with any of those.

Don't blink. Blink and you're dead. They are fast. Faster than you can believe. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink. Good luck.
It's a good idea, but if you don't do this justice, I will hammer you for it.

Armored Entity wrote:Lydia's nature is of getting lost.

... what? o__O That's just nonsensical.

Armored Entity wrote:She mostly sends out strange signals in and out of her barrier, which others hear and are usually confused by them.

... but they're probably totally ignorable unless it's like the screeches mentioned below.

Armored Entity wrote:As you get closer to the focus of the barrier, the noises become louder and more frequent, and almost haunting.

... but not quite, and so they lose all of their enigma and presence.

Armored Entity wrote:Terrance can be considered like a MiniBoss of some sort, right before the boss battle against the Witch herself, Lydia.

Personal distaste, don't actually like Dragon battles that much. Seems pointless.

Armored Entity wrote:Also another thing. At the part where Lydia is dying, right before the Witch Barrier collapses with her and her Grief Seed is dropped, the strange noises and signals turn into incomprehensible static.

A what seed? Please elaborate.

Armored Entity wrote:Kolour's is a bit more unique.

Tautology.

Armored Entity wrote:Kolour, her barrier, and minions, are drawn in a medium-quality CGI style (sort of like the CGI graphics are in a typical N64 game).

If you describe this in the fanfic as "kind of like an N64 game", I will not be impressed.

Armored Entity wrote:Her minions are called Lalas

Armored Entity wrote:The first are the Worker Lalas, which work in the massive factory/workshop of her barrier, and are most numerous. They continuously make various appliances and other dolls like them using materials and machinery they are given. They work nonstop. Even if one gets killed or gets caught in the machinery and processed into an appliance, which happens often due to how hazardous this machinery in this Witch Barrier is, they just get another one to replace the lost one, and then continue working as if nothing ever happened.

The oppressed slaves? Sounds like a useful point for Rika, if rather cliché.

Armored Entity wrote:Once the worker Lalas are finished with a batch of items, they go and present them to Kolour herself. However, more often than not, their finished work is defective, and they fail. When they do, Kolour tells them to get back to work, and then destroys the unwanted items with her energy blasts. However, when it does meet expectations, she congradulates them and then tells them to return to work.

That's just rude. It's also tyrannical. I guess that's what you wanted to get across?

Armored Entity wrote:The other variants of these minions only appear in the boss chamber of the barrier, and not in the other areas.

Stop designating things as bosses and minibosses and shit. 'S stupid.

Armored Entity wrote:Her Witch Barrier is like a massive magic factory and workshop, where the Worker Lalas are all working. To get to the boss room of the barrier, you have to navigate through the machinery in a massive labyrinth of it. Since the Worker Lalas ignore outsiders in the Barrier, you don't have to worry about them. What you do have to worry about is the dangerous machinery in the factory, which even they often get killed by. Just watch your step and try to navigate through all the devices and stuff. Essentially, its like a massive production line, and if it weren't a Witch Barrier, it would probably get sued for unsafe practices. The main part of the barrier is a chamber where Kolour works at her workbench and also stops to judge the work of her minions.

We aren't doing anything. You need to stop treating this quite as realistically as you're implying, remember you're the one writing this and you've got to make it work in a universe that isn't this one.